Sunday, March 20, 2011

Time for a March on Grand Rapids!

All of our most sacred institutions are under assault.

From government to the courts to the church, we are accustomed to defending the castle.  But now, they have gone too far.

Recently, plans were announced to mount a frontal assault on that most sacred of institutions -- ballpark food.  Ground zero in this battle?  Fifth Third Ballpark in Grand Rapids, home of the West Michigan Whitecaps.

FTB is a great minor league park and boasts one of the greatest culinary feats since man began to walk upright -- The Fifth Third Burger.  Checking in at 4 pounds and 4,800 calories, the Fifth Third Burger is the Eighth Wonder of the World (with apologies to Pampero Firpo).

The Wiz has honored the Fifth Third Burger twice before -- read about it here and here.

But, the good folks over in Amway-land just couldn't leave well enough alone.  They held a contest recently to pick a new food item to offer at the ballpark, and the winner was something called "Chicks with Sticks."  Okay, a cool name, I'll give you that -- makes me think of a female hockey team.  (Manon Rheaume, anyone?)  Don't let the name fool you -- Chicks with Sticks is definitely not cool.  Here's the description:
"fresh-cut vegetables with hummus."

Vegetables and hummus are NOT ballpark food.  These things have no place in a ballpark.  Reading about this new menu item, I experienced the same disoriented feeling I had years ago in San Francisco's Candlestick Park when I heard a female public address announcer for the first time and saw vendors walking through the stands hawking iced cappucino. 

So, make the signs, gas up the vans, initiate the email, blog, and Facebook campaigns, and let's get to Grand Rapids!  No beef, no peace!


  1. We are not truly free as long as food persecution exists. Power to the pickle!

  2. Sarah -- Who is this Dan you speak of?